questions.to.answers

I am much too late in attempting to document certain pivotal aspects of my life. There are countless moments that have been forgotten or subconsciously sequestered for sheer sanity's sake. In my vulnerability, for that I am grateful; in moments of empowerment, I am disheartened. In either circumstance I have accepted the fact that some disfigured days will resurface and I will surely feel their weight. A dear woman in my life was sober for several years before she remembered her childhood was engulfed in sexual abuse by a close relative- one that should have been a solid source of trust and compassion. Although I am not anticipating any such similarities, I do know that the more precious I am to God, the more important I am to Satan. In tandem with that, I know that my Rock and my Strength will allow these times to bubble up only when my heart can withstand the pain of remembrance. But until then... I have plenty to process and feel.

Only recently have I begun to appreciate the marvelous wax and wane of life. It leaves beautifully transparent curves of space and depth that artists fervently dream of capturing. Much like the systematic swing of a dusty grandfather clock's pendulum and the joyful dance of a young girl around the Maypole her father carefully constructed in her honor, or the magnificent methods of tides that have instilled a halcyon effect yet erode and destruct in the same season.  Every peak is driven by the depression, every depression dependent upon the peak. It's a wonderfully gratifying continual conversion of potential energy to kinetic and kinetic to potential. It's the momentum and current of life. It's scary and glorious. And I'm running straight into the thick of it. I will be able to mold bits and pieces into words and phrases, but the larger part can only be felt. Bear with me as I re-learn, restore, and re-live my moments. It will test every emotion and need my body demands, for it already has.

It's said that you can be either a good example or a terrible warning, but both are of equal importance. I hope to be both. Believe me, I've mastered the latter, and by God's grace I've begun the former. Hear me when I say this, it is only because His grace is sufficient and I lack nothing that He alone cannot give to me.

Enjoy and take heart, for there is always hope.