The most difficult part of emotions is sorting them all out and fitting a name to each. And when I get a new wave I can usually bet on deciphering out about 7 different entities fused together like a spoiled chemistry project. Fear is nearly always the trunk, branching its heavy offspring skyward. I guess its most comparable to agricultural tree grafting. If you have a lemon tree, you could, if done properly, successfully graft a similar variety, such as limes,  onto the original trunk. As long as the two tissues are able to vascularly fuse, the grafted branch will bear its original fruit while the rest bears the other. Once the tree has strengthened the new joint, one wouldn't recognize there is a lone lime branch until the little baby limes start poking out of this lemon tree. In many sickened moments we exhaust ourselves by meticulously grafting certain emotions and experiences together. So when the fruit has finally taken we can say, "See?! There! I told you there was a lime branch in the middle of my lemon tree! Now do you believe me?!"  I think I try to use this as an excuse at times for my reactions. Well, of course I thought so irrationally, I've got those ridiculous limes growing in the middle of my lemon tree! I need to remind myself that I was the one who decided that those limes would look absolutely lovely poking out of all those lemons. Now is the time where I start pruning my trees and finding what is truly at the roots. If there is an outgrowth of something unnecessary I pray I recognize it and trim away. There can be beauty in grafting, but do we really need all of our lemon trees to have limes as well?

I admit I got a little carried away on my metaphors today. This is the news I received. My grandma died a couple years ago. I was able to be with her in her last moments, which was a time so dear to my heart. All this time has passed and my grandpa is just now getting ready to sell their house. My grandma wanted me to have their piano. One we all played on for years growing up. It felt like a tsunami hit me. I couldn't tell which way was up or what was making me feel all the things I felt when my grandpa told me. All I knew was that it is the most special gift I've ever received, I missed my grandma so much in that moment and that I wanted to cry. I think I thought of grafting trees because so many times I find myself attaching emotions to memories and memories to emotions. This is somewhat legitimate, I'm not wrong for feeling how I felt, but this is not the definition of that experience or that emotion. They do not define one another. That is perception. Anyways, I know I need to work on separating where separation is due and reconnecting what should be reconnected.

I am a beautifully grafted, strong oak with my Rock & Strength giving me sustenance. I want to bear fruit, give shade and rise towards the heavens.

Isaiah 61

The Year of the LORD’s Favor

 ¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
   a planting of the LORD
   for the display of his splendor.  ⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
   and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
   that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
   foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the LORD,
   you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
   and in their riches you will boast.
 ⁷ Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.
 ⁸ “For I, the LORD, love justice;
   I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
   and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
   and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
   that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”
 ¹⁰ I delight greatly in the LORD;
   my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
   and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
   and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
   and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness
   and praise spring up before all nations.